"They weren't Keeping Me Out, The Most High was Keeping Me From.."

Melissa Renee courtesy of JIG Media

Hey, Sis

It’s been a minute but you understand when life gets to lifin’ you have to go with the flow. That’s what I’ve been being intentional about on my feminine energy journey, flowing rather than forcing. It’s a learning process because I find myself quickly reverting back to my old habits, however, I’ve made progress and that’s what counts.

I felt like I was running on a wild goose chase for some years now, trying to find the people who were for me, who saw me, and genuinely wanted to connect. Now I’m understanding that I was still looking for some sort of validation that solidified my existence, my purpose.. Why I’m here. I struggled with the back and forth of being guarded and closed off and just feeling safe with me in my own world, then to networking and trying to make friends only for it to not be genuine and feel so forced.

The reality is I know I don’t have to go find or force anything. What’s meant for me will find its way to me as long as I’m open and receptive to receiving it. I used to feel hurt that I wasn’t asked or invited to events and endeavors to build and grow with other black women in my area. One reason I felt hurt is because I was over playing my part. I was giving way too much of myself feeling as though I wasn’t “doing enough” or somehow I was falling short. Secretly it was still me playing into needing to feel accepted to feel seen. I need to be seen to feel as though I was making some headway in my life, goals, and dreams.

I felt stuck and limited. I felt lonely and mocked. But that’s because I wasn’t accepting and seeing myself for who I truly am. So much so, that I started to detach from who I am and more into someone I wasn’t or didn’t want to be.. Judgmental, resentful, closed off and guarded. But I do recognize and celebrate myself that I didn’t give up on me. I was eager to figure it out and find other ways only to realize that I wasn’t supposed to be in those rooms, those spaces, with those people. And I have nothing against any of those individuals.. now. (Because I can admit at one point I held resentment and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting back what I give) because I now understand that they weren’t keeping me out but The Most High was keeping me from.

Being your authentic self is going to separate you from those spaces, places, and people that aren’t comfortable with authenticity. You’re being kept from those spaces and people because you don’t belong there and it’s not because you aren’t cool enough but it is because you don’t fit in.. you STAND OUT! See, in those spaces and among those people, it’s about conforming and performing not being. You don’t belong in places where you have to suppress who you are. You belong in places that are going to celebrate who you are.

That’s where I am momentarily. I’m sitting patiently in my space and enjoying who I am while attracting who’s supposed to be here in my space. I’m not forcing or making anyone. I’m flowing and allowing. Not that I know that me not being validated by these people and not welcomed in these spaces was never about me not being “good enough” but more about me not “being” me. And the more I lean into who I am truly, the more I’m going to vibrate at a frequency that attracts my tribe. The more I’ll start to align with the people that can meet me where I am rather than forcing them to or stepping down to meet them where they are. Now my authenticity is a repellent for who’s not for me and I’m willing to let go to make room for who is.