"CUTE OUTFIT.. SAME INSECURITIES | How to Be a Soft Bae: Sensuality Doesn't Start.. In Your Closet!

Realizing you were dressing for femininity instead of dressing from femininity..

I’ve always heard the saying, “The dress doesn’t make the woman.. The woman makes the dress”. But if I’m being honest, I was still searching for dresses that were going to make me feel more sensual and feminine. I would say desirable but honestly my husband does a great job with that, in just about anything I wear. So I’ve been window shopping lately, really contemplating on changing up my wardrobe. I wanted my clothes and accessories to start speaking through me to others. When I walk in a room I want it to tell people about me before I utter a sound. I used to think it would tell people I’m feminine, sensual, and stylish but lately I feel like it’s telling people this is how I want you to see me.. Not this is who I am.

When I think of someone who did this perfectly… who was able to dress in a way that it spoke through her to others, I think of Carrie Bradshaw from Sex In The City. Whenever she saw those pieces or styled herself, it was intentional and aligned with who she was. She could’ve pulled off a sexy “Samantha” or a coy “Charlotte” because their style and outfits had its own feminine flare. But it wasn’t Carrie. It wasn’t eclectic, daring, or individualistic. Her style still had sexy, sensuality, and coy.. But only the way Carrie could do it. 

This is when I gained the epiphany that I wasn’t dressing from femininity but I was dressing for femininity. Even though I know I possess this sensuality and femininity, I didn’t trust that I could project that solely from the way it looks for me. I avoided A-line dresses because it wasn’t “giving” sleek and chic to me but I was supposed to give sleek and chic to it. How could I through my own energy, my own individuality create a look that spoke through me? 

How Black women are often taught beauty before embodiment...

Am I the only one who doesn't quite remember being taught feminine embodiment before I was taught how to look nicely put together. I look at my daughter now, and I strive to teach her that being who she is, is enough. She’s quite confident, I can say that much so to her.. Wearing baggy jeans to wearing a beautiful prom gown doesn’t shift her perception of who she is in her femininity. 

Whereas me, I can remember my fluctuating weight being called out by my mother. I can remember because I was walking around with a D-cup full of breasts because I was developing quickly and already a D-cup at 15. Modesty and hiding my curves was more important than allowing me to embrace my curves and how to dress for my curves. I find in the black community as young girls we’re sexualized as we go through puberty. If we’re well endowed and shapely at an early age you’re either made to hide and be modest or you’re exploited and flaunted. It’s never about learning how to love yourself inside and out. It’s never about truly understanding the chapter you’re walking into from a girl to a young woman.  

I was an inverted triangle — broader on top than on the bottom —- so I just wanted to dress the way I saw the other girls my age dress. I wanted to wear all of the trendy things. However, if I had embraced and embodied who I was and my body.. I probably would’ve been more inclined to dress the way I felt versus dressing the way I wanted people to view me — Tia and Tamera, Moesha, etc. 

I don’t think I misspeak when I say, I believe a lot of us as black young girls were taught how to look beautiful before we were taught how to feel embodied. We weren’t taught about discovering ourselves, loving what we discovered, and expressing it through our style. 

How insecurity can make us perform sensuality...

Because we weren’t taught about how to feel feminine and more about how to “look” feminine we associate our sensuality with performance.. It’s a level of detachment we have with being ourselves. Our insecurities begin shaping what we define as feminine — from an unflattering shape to high end luxury fashion. This becomes how we define femininity and express it outwardly. If I look into my closet it probably says more about the things I’m insecure about than it says who I’ve become. My black outfits say more of hiding and sliming myself down than it says mysterious, chic, and classic. My contour dresses sometimes say more about my idea of sexy and than my actual sensuality. 

Sensuality isn’t a dress, a shoe, or a look. It’s what you possess. It’s what you exude through being you. My sensuality isn’t going to look the same as Carrie Bradshaw’s sensuality. However, I’ll never truly know or understand how my sensuality flows through me to others if I’m allowing my insecurities to influence my expression. Well.. more to hide my expression. 

Maybe instead of me exhausting myself to achieve the perfect shape or body to wear what outwardly says “sexy”, “sensual”.. I should go inward. 

Maybe my sensuality begins there first.

It begins with how I feel about me, my existence.

It begins with how I feel safe with me.

It begins with how I take care of myself.

How softness can still exist while healing...

Maybe “How to Be a Soft Bae” was never just about me.

Maybe it’s about all of us learning how to soften without abandoning ourselves. Maybe healing isn’t becoming someone entirely new. Maybe it’s learning how to stay connected to yourself while evolving. As I’m sitting here you can see I’m still discovering and allowing it to be revealed to me. There’s never a moment where you have to wait for the perfect moment to be soft. Softness is being and allowing.. However, that looks for you. For me it looks like writing a series about learning how to be a soft black woman and make it look attractive and sensual, instead of weak and shameful. 

Just as if you’re shopping in your closet or for your closet - it should be based on who you are and who you’re becoming. It should never be based on who you aren’t. We wouldn’t force ourselves into a dress that was never made to fit us… so why do we force ourselves into identities that don’t fit either? 

Being soft while healing and styling yourself while having insecurities are simply a mirror. Maybe softness isn’t the absence of insecurity. Maybe it’s choosing not to abandon yourself while healing through it.  You can be soft while healing through softness.